Text Adventures of Paper Airplanes
by colossally abundant numbers
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, America likes playing text adventure games, especially those involving an overpowered fleet of paper airplanes and complicated international diplomacy issues.


**Summary:** Contrary to popular belief, America likes playing text adventure games, especially those involving an overpowered fleet of paper airplanes and complicated international diplomacy issues.

* * *

Welcome to the newest version of _The Decline and the Rise_.

You are a young nation, and you have at your disposal a fleet of paper airplanes and some grape seed oil to use as fuel. Your paper airplanes currently possess empty grape seed oil tanks. All possible directions from here are north, south, east, west, and up.

# fit planes with oil

You successfully load each of the paper airplanes with grape seed oil. They are ready for flight, and will serve as your air force.

# attack russia

This is not possible. Not to mention, ill-advised, for Russia is armed with a substantially larger fleet of _cardboard_ airplanes. Flimsy paper does not mess with cardboard.

# where is russia

Ah, you must be America. Is this your name? Please confirm (_da_ or _nyet_).

# wtf i don't speak russian

You swear profusely in childish internet lingo, but refuse to answer the question. _Da_ or _nyet_?

# _da_

Good!

# go north

You head north with your useless little paper fleet and scout the area. It is a grassy hilltop, reminiscent of your childhood days. You notice a document on the floor. All possible directions from here are north, south, east, and west.

# get document

You have obtained the odd-looking document and placed it snugly in your satchel.

# read document

You pull out the document from your satchel and read it carefully:

Dear America,

Your brother wishes to inform you that his army of invisible narwhals is ready for attack. Please also tell him that I am not his goddamn messenger.  
Sincerely,

No one in particular

You recognize the letterhead as being from your dear friend, England. You do not know how narwhals can be invisible, but you suppose this is a quirk of your brother's.

# contact england

You pull out your mobile phone device and press 1, which speed dials England's phone. He picks up, perhaps by magical intervention, on the first ring. You pull the phone away from your sensitive ears as a loud shout escapes from the receiver.

"Goddamn it, America! It's about time you called!"

You realize England does not sound very happy.

(Type your reply in quotes.)

# "Stop complaining, you old bastard."

"What did you call me-you little shit!"

You wonder if England's face is red as he speaks into the phone. You discern from his tone of voice and accentuated breathing technique that it probably is.

# "So England, what are invisible narwhals?"

"Ask your brother this, not me!"

# "Oh, you don't know. It was good talking to you then, bye!"

"You bastard! Who said this conversation was over? It's barely begun as it is!"

# close phone

You end the call by snapping your mobile device shut. You silently ponder if you are being too mean by ignoring your dear friend, but note that it really isn't your fault. It is much too bad that England lacks the requisite knowledge on invisible narwhals.

# contact canada

You pull out your mobile device and dial 2. The phone shakes with a great force and you hear an shaky voice in the background: "We are sorry, the person you have tried to contact is currently unavailable. We would ask you to leave a message, but the person's personal mailbox has not been set up yet."

# fuck

Profuse swearing does not help at all, other than to dirty the air around you. If you are frustrated, try asking 'help'.

# ask help invisible narwhals

The help section is not defined for invisible narwhals.

# fuck you

If you insist on swearing, please do so with some variety. Here is a set of swear words you can choose from: {fuck, shit, piss, damn, crap}

# look

You are at a grassy hilltop. All possible directions from here are north, south, east, and west.

# go west

You are in the flatlands of a valley. You see an ergonomic keyboard partially buried in the mud. All possible directions from here are north, east, west, and south.

# get keyboard

You carefully dig out the ergonomic keyboard, flipping off bits of dirt along the way. Possible uses for this worn down thing include:  
- Strum the keyboard like a guitar and pretend you are an international icon of pop culture.  
- Use the keyboard to bash an enemy's head in. It is a weapon with strength 2 and attack 4.  
- Exchange this keyboard with _ for special services

You notice that parts of the keyboard are caked with mud and cannot be read.

# clean keyboard

You clean the keyboard and notice some scratch marks on the side, indicating someone's name. After careful deliberation, you determine that the name is 'Estonia'. You realize that you may exchange this keyboard with Estonia for special services.

These include:  
- Obtaining the password to General Winter's database of md5-encrypted keys  
- Obtaining the private key to Russia's storage closet

# contact estonia

Sorry, you do not have an 'Estonia' in your contacts list.

# contact england

You pull out your mobile phone device and dial 1. Unfortunately, due to your rude words earlier, England no longer wishes to speak to you and the phone rings and rings with no answer. Perhaps his anger will abate at a later hour?

# contact fucking england

Sorry, there is no 'fucking england' in your contacts list. Unfortunate, _non_?

# wtf i don't speak french

You proclaim loudly that you do not speak French. No one hears and no one cares. Unfortunate, _non_?

# attack france

Unfortunately, you cannot do this, as you are currently in an alliance with France. You must first break the alliance before you can attack, silly one.

# break alliance with france

Unfortunately, as you pronounce these words, a paper mache diplomacy advisor figurehead appears sporadically from the floor. He exclaims that the alliance with France is of extreme importance because the nation has an abundance of rainbow-colored wine, which is to your great benefit.

# define rainbow colored wine

Rainbow-colored wine is a French specialty that increases the beauty of your paper airplanes. By increasing their beauty, your planes may become capable of seducing enemy planes, tanks, and soldiers. It is not unheard of for paper airplanes drunk off such a wine to win ace pilots and tanks back to your homeland. It also has the curious ability of increasing your metabolism, thus allowing you to eat as many burgers as you wish without the unhealthy side effect of weight gain.

# define france

There are multiple definitions for this word, please select a definition according to:  
a. England  
b. France  
c. America

Type 'select name' to select.

# select England

France is a putrid bastard who makes a disgusting liquid known as 'rainbow-colored wine'. This damn wine has been the reason for the general decline of the naval power of the world's largest and most productive empire. (Ships from Albion should not be so easily seduced by those Gaulish bastards!) Moreover, he does not know how to speak English, as any proper gentleman should.

#

* * *

**Final words:** America is playing a lovely text adventure game! And despite the total randomness, I do actually have a plot in mind. Feel free to send in possible commands for America to try, I'll try to incorporate them along with the plot.


End file.
